Crazy Ex-Girlfriend – the baby-friendly version

There comes a point in your time as a mother where you realise that you should really stop watching and listening to certain things while your child is awake. I’ve just reached this point – Billy is now one, and I may be an overclaiming mother, but I swear his first word isn’t all that far away.

And I don’t want that word to be wildly inappropriate.

Admittedly, the watching things isn’t a huge problem. Billy loves a shout, so I haven’t been able to watch TV with him awake since he was about 12 weeks old. But the listening to things. Oh, the listening to things is a problem. Specifically the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend soundtrack. Always on in our house, and really not suitable for children.

The real problem is this, though; even though I’ve stopped actively listening to the songs, I can’t stop singing them. And so I’ve found myself coming up with new, baby-friendly versions of some of my favourites. If I’m going to be singing the damn catchy tunes, I should at least make an effort to be vaguely appropriate.

So, in ascending order of terrible inappropriateness, here’s the rewritten version:

I Have Friends/I Have Feet

Sample lyric: I have feet / I definitely have feet / Nobody can say that / I do not have feet

Ah, I Have Feet. One of the earliest, and the simplest, the genesis of this song coincided with the day that Billy suddenly discovered that those things on the ends of his legs actually belonged to him. And all these months later, it still serves a purpose, for it seems that babies sometimes forget about their feet and then are surprised anew when they spot them again.

Or maybe that’s just Billy.

Settle for Me/Snuggle With Me

Sample lyric: Baby boy, I’m so bereft / A little sit is all that I have left / of my resting time, you see / so snuggle with me.

Sure, Settle for Me isn’t that high up on the filth scale, and yes, Greg is magnificent in about seventeen different ways and of course this Old Hollywood tap dance number is one of the highlights of season one. But I really, really miss getting to just sit down and rest for a while, so it was important that I turned this song into a plea for a bit more chilling out and a bit less shouting at cups.

Let’s Generalise About Men/Let’s Generalise About Cheese

Sample lyric: Let’s generalise about cheese / Would I like to eat some? Yes please! / It’s so tasty and oh so great / To eat it all I just can’t wait / Goes great in some pies / Let’s generalise / About cheese

Since I am indeed raising a boy, I figured that funny as it is I should probably not be playing him a song that ends with the line “your sons are going to be rapists.” So instead, it became about cheese. Just because that’s what he was eating the last time I tried to sing the original to him.

Look, I’m really tired, OK?

We Tapped That Ass/I Stroked That Cat

Sample lyric: I stroked her here / I tickled her there / While we were sitting / On a chair / I stroked her almost everywhere / I stroked that cat all over this house

We’ve reached the true filth which deserves a censored rewrite before it’s allowed anywhere near anyone under the age of 15. And so a song about having sex all over the house has been turned into one about stroking a cat. Because Billy really likes to stroke our cats. Not because of any terrible feline-related name for the female anatomy making this whole rewrite a double entendre. I honestly only realised that while typing this.

I really, really am very, very tired.

First Penis I Saw/Best Baby of All

Sample lyric: Oh, you’re tiny and you’re dinky / even though your bum is sometimes a bit stinky / I’ll help you grow up big and tall / because you are the very best baby of all

GOD I love Paula. GOD I love her so much. I wish I had her in my life to scheme with me, even though all my schemes would revolve around getting Billy to nap. I bet she’d manage it though. Paula can manage anything. She’s the best friend everyone needs.

Anyway. First Penis I Saw is obviously the greatest song that she, or indeed anyone else, will ever sing. But it’s nowhere near PG-rated, and so the lyrics had to go. And because I’m apparently in the business of giving Billy delusional levels of self-esteem, it’s become a pretty little ditty all about how he’s the best baby.

One day he’ll find out what that song I sang him as a child was actually about. And on that day, I imagine he’ll a bit hate me.

Totally worth it.

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